I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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