she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
