I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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