that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
