I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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