2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
