I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My bed smells like the plague
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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