Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
