You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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