I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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