when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
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I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
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you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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