Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
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think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
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I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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