you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
