I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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