I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
