he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
