I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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