Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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