Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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