If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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