I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
