my phone needs a breathalizer
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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