we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
