You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
