Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
