I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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