it's too hot outside to masturbate.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
