I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
