you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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