eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
