this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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