i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
