one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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