I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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