paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
