Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
