checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
