my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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