Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
