The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
