He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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