Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
did i walk over a car last night?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
