I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
