I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
