He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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