Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
