sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
