I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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