I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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