ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
