CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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