At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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