i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
