I just pynch a tree in the face
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
