This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
