I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
