a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
