it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
