i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Acid is not a monday night drug
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
